The Onion Article: Weird Girl Only Cool When Drunk

Maria Ankundinov, the girl people usually stay away from in the daylight, became the life of the party at Timmy Jackson’s end of the year bash last Friday.

Ankundinov decided to abandon her coop at Fairfield University’s Dimenna-Nywhat’shisface Library and emerged from darkness when she attended a fucking crazy party on a whim. She wasn’t invited, but people ended up liking her anyways because they were drunk out of their minds.

“Yeah, she was in my HI 101 class. I, like, didn’t really like her,” said Ashley Stevenson ’14 to the reporter on scene as she was holding her vomiting friend’s hair back in the backyard of Jackson’s sketchy apartment. “But now she’s totally fun! She really knows how to drink.”

Students reported seeing Ankundinov chugging three Bud Lights before participating in a rousing round of Absolut Rio shots. Dressed in questionable clothing that looked like a rainbow barfed on her, she then managed to win a beer pong game with a group of acne-faced freshmen.

“I’d tap that,” said Jake Bryant ’12 as he sat in a corner and creepily eyed prepubescent-looking girls partying in the opposite side of the room.

The Ankundinovs were so proud that their daughter was getting a social life. Marcie, Ankundinov’s mother, said in an official statement to the public: “I used to hate my daughter so much because she didn’t have any social skills. But I now like her a bit more. Congratulations, Mallory.” Her husband later told her that she said her daughter’s name wrong. Marcie seemed surprised.

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