Writing like The Onion

I love The Onion. In an alternative universe, I’d actually try and write for the online newspaper. But, right now, I’m just having fun. This is the product:


MOLINE–A senior citizen sued a Hollister in Timberland’s Mall after she fell and broke her hip because she couldn’t fucking see under the dim lighting of the store.

Molly Hayes, 66, was buying a present for her 3-year-old grandchild Maggie, and thought Hollister seemed like an appropriate place to shop.

“Well, first when I entered, I went into the men’s section because I couldn’t see,” Hayes recounted. “Then as I was getting to the back of the store–because that’s the stuff people can actually afford–I tripped over one of the store attendants. We both walked into each other; that girl was grasping the tables, trying to find her way through.”

Hayes then fell over and cracked her right hip bone on the corner of a table. The store attendant, who was not hurt, yelled at her to grow a fucking bone. “But I can’t grow one,” Hayes replied sadly.

The other customers in the store did absolutely nothing, and just continued shopping in the overpriced store.

Director of Fucking Up Things Tyler Yankerstein explained the reason for Hollister’s unique decor. He wrote in an email riddled with typos: “We make the lighting dimm because we have really ugly people who work 4 us,  and we want to make sure that customerrrs don’t have to face these people and go bilnd. Instead, we make the customers go blind 1st.”

Yankerstein reported that they might change the lighting in the fitting rooms, because he believes that the change will prevent customers from actually buying the clothes once they are able to truly see what the fuck they have on.

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